Sunday, November 17

Hi, I'm a Runner.

Some say that at a certain point during a run, you break through the wall and enter a "runners high" where you are in this incredible zone of freedom; you feel nothing, you sense nothing, and the only noise you hear is the rhythmic beats of your feet pounding pavement. Your lungs suddenly stop struggling to keep a steady breath and you can feel the wild abandonment that coincides with being able to run like nothing will catch you.

I have never had that feeling.
I hate running.

Running is literally one of my least favorite forms of exercises to do and most of the time when I arrive at Crossfit and I see running on the menu, I have to fight this urge to turn right back around and flee to my car. Running is just not something I enjoy; I can't get into a runners high and all I can think about is when is the torture going to end.

So no. I'm not a runner; but I run. 

Over the last few years I've pursued the wrong guys and been burned in the process. Offended and hurt, I retreated to the only thing I knew- the safe haven of the Lord and His promise for my life. "'For I know the plans I have for you' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future'" Jeremiah 29:11.  

I realize my list of expectations and qualities in a man are high, but by no means do I think they are outrageous. I did realize however, that I expected a man to be this incredibly Godly man who would be a prayerful leader of a household, and a man who recklessly pursues the Lord and His will for His life; but was I worthy of a man like that? A few months ago I took a step back and looked at my "list" and reflected on myself and my own characteristics. Would I measure up to a guys "list"? It made me humbly recognize that my heart wasn't completely hidden in the Lord, but it was just hidden in general from friends, family and myself. That's when I realized I was doing this wrong. How can I expect a man to have all the checklists of the ideal Christian guy if I am not 100% hidden in the Lord myself? So what did I do? I ran.

I run from all relationships and the possibilities of relationships towards God's love and protection. I realized if I submitted my entire heart to the Lord, he would keep it safe until the right guy (or sucker...depending on how you look at it) could actually keep up with me. Then, and only then, would I know that this guy was worth the while and see where things lead. 

So yes, I'm a runner. I don't run out of fear or rejection but I run for joy and fulfillment in the only One who can bring peace.